PREFACE: I HATE WHAT I LIKE, AND I DON’T LIKE ANYTHING

One of the most damaging misconceptions I’ve held in my life is what I do for fun. I long harbored the most normal and utterly suffocating conclusion that I was interested in what I was good at and I enjoyed what earned me opportunities. For some people there is real alignment here; it made me want to die.

A few years ago, I had a crisis of self in which I realized that the only social affirmation I received was for things I did or produced. I felt accepted by my friends and a community of artists, but that acceptance felt conditional on continuing to “do X” or “be into Y.” I didn’t even like doing what I was being praised for—in some cases it caused chronic pain, or made me lonely, or was too close to my day job, or just felt, honestly, stupid. 

This was so profoundly depressing to me that I started an internal social experiment: outside of supporting myself financially, I stopped doing or making anything that could qualify as an art practice or technical craft and started just showing up to stuff and hanging out. My question here was whether my presence would still be sought out in creative and social spaces if I had “nothing to show for myself.” I was relieved when it made very little difference, or not enough to outweigh how much better I felt, and my interactions were more meaningful. I liked the world a lot more this way, and relied on fewer self-destructive or escapist habits. But I had a new crisis: now I had “no interests.” 

This points to a painful tension: there is a real capitalist incentive to have legible and commodifiable “interests” that form a personal brand, which is worth interrogating if not outright resisting (who is afforded the time to cultivate interests beyond staying alive, and who is encouraged if they are?). On the other hand, being able to describe what you enjoy is one of the best ways to build meaningful connections and community. Having shed old ways of talking about what I liked, I was freer, but more alienated. 

Since the language I once had for my interests felt misaligned and outdated, it was like I had none at all. But I had plenty: I was building relationships and engaging with media and going to events and taking care of my body. So it was a matter of finding the words.

THE MATRIX

The Pleasure x Effort Matrix emerged colloquially between a loved one and me when I was working through this problem. I’ve given each quadrant a shorthand based on how their intersections tend to manifest emotionally:

My little social experiment was the equivalent of lingering in the Low Effort x High Pleasure quadrant—doing what felt intuitively pleasurable to me with no exertion or self-discipline required, and seeing where that alone could take me.

I realized I could examine my behavior in this quadrant to help identify patterns in what I’m naturally drawn towards, and what might fall away when I considered what felt like work. What actually comes easily to me, when I remove the pressure of making anything out of it? And from there, what might be the most sustainable outlets for my effort (or, what should be protected from it)? 

The Pleasure x Effort Matrix is not a tool for self-optimization or being able to do more—it’s about relieving the burden of chronically misunderstanding yourself and being able to do anything at all with as little resistance as possible. Maybe it’s not misalignment with a creative practice that prompts the need to reevaluate what comes easily and pleasurable to—maybe it’s illness or disability status, financial shifts, changes to your relationships to substances, or simply allowing yourself to change over time. No matter the impetus, the matrix is meant to aid in the discovery process, honoring the preciousness of your time, effort, and pleasure.

THE PLEASURE X EFFORT MATRIX HAS NO RULES EXCEPT FOR THESE:

STEP 1: LOG YOUR CURRENT VOCABULARY

Create a list of words you currently use to describe what you enjoy doing or learning about. This list can also include words that others posit onto you. This list doesn’t have to feel true to you, just current.

Example: digital illustration, music production, strength training, web design, contemporary art

STEP 2: DRAW YOUR MATRIX

Using the words you just logged, create your own Pleasure x Effort matrix and fill in the four quadrants. If it helps, break these words down into more granular elements of those activities or topics. Add anything else you want to your matrix to further contextualize these words.

Example:

STEP 3: TAKE A RECESS

For a set amount of time, in whatever leisure time you have available, only do things that appear in your Low Effort x High Pleasure quadrant. Document what you do, as well as anything you would normally do that fails to meet this criteria. Update your matrix as you go if you feel compelled to.

The objective here is to gather data on what within you is self-sustaining in the pleasure it brings you, and weed out any activities or curiosities that have grown contrived or disingenuous over time. This time is for the frivolous, indulgent, and so-called pointless. If it’s easy even when you’re hungry or tired, that’s a good metric.

Example:

Things I did during Recess:	Things I would usually do, but didn’t:
Practice the flute	Electronic music production
Moodboard my personal style	Draw
Watch reality competition shows	Watch 3D modeling tutorials
See live music at DIY venues	Go to DJ sets at club venues
Listen to conversational podcasts	Read prose or nonfiction
Scrap journal in a notebook	Journal on my computer
Gather with friends	One-on-one hangouts

STEP 4: ANALYSIS

Identify patterns in what feels effortless and pleasurable to you. Specificity is your friend.

This time is to lend credence to things that might be easily written off as unintellectual or unskillful. Allow yourself to hone in on any over-generalizations you apply to yourself. Identify places where you should redirect your efforts, nudging them towards the “Growth” quadrant (High Effort x High Pleasure).

Analysis questions:

• Are there any things that you enjoy more as a passive consumer than as an active participant?
• Were there any activities that you wouldn’t typically think of as physical that you avoided or engaged in because of how they made your body feel?
• Is there anything that you only enjoy when you do it with other people, or vice versa?
• Was there anything that gave you particular anxiety if you stopped doing it? What about particular relief?

Examples:

I’m more inclined to dance alone in my room than watch an Ableton tutorial—maybe I’m interested in more embodied forms of music, and should re-channel energy from music production into practicing instruments.

I used to think I couldn’t claim fashion as an interest because I wasn’t notably trendy, but I like the process of creating a visual system for my style and learning about fashion history. I also like doing my makeup, and value that as an outlet for my personal style.

I only feel like an artist when I make something for or with someone else. Maybe art serves me more as a social outlet than as an outlet for personal expression.

STEP 5: UPDATE YOUR VOCABULARY ACCORDINGLY

Using your newfound insight, rewrite your original list of words.

Example:
Before: digital illustration, music production, strength training, web design, contemporary art
After: live music performance, mobility training, lightweight web development, pop culture/cultural theory

CONCLUSION: I LIKE WHAT I LIKE, AND I LIKE TO HANG OUT

Since going through this exercise myself, I have a new metric for how I spend my time: if something doesn’t have a social outlet, feel good to my body, regulate me emotionally, or make me a more accepting person, it’s probably not worth my effort long term…at least for now.

In other words, I had the groundbreaking realization that I’m here to make friends. And drum in a band.

In the spirit of Recess, I made a bunch of playlists instead of a list of further reading. Just press play and enjoy. (Everything is contextual—all of this music is certifiably High Pleasure at the right time in the right place.)

• Low effort x low pleasure 
  • Key words: observation, introspection, loneliness, depression, lethargy
• High effort x low pleasure 
  • Keywords: rage, marginalization, bureaucracy, capitalism, dysphoria
• High effort x high pleasure 
  • Keywords: physicality, spiritual ascension, delayed gratification, catharsis, euphoria
• Low effort x high pleasure 
  • Keywords: indulgent, light, crushes, friendship, wind, water, earth, air